Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
