My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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