and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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