Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital