Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.