nut hugger
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
