It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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