Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
