Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
We are two peas in an std pod
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
