You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
