By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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