remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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