Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
