I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
