If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
