just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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