she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
