awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't turn off my feet"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
