Swine flu is the new snow day.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
