I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
