3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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