does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
