My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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