Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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