I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
