I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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