You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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