And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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