My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
