i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
