All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
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Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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