so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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