We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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