Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
