Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
