just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He passed out mid-signature
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
