i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I need moral support for this bender
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
