Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
home. puking in laundry basket.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
