I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
