woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
