I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
