the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
