did you get engaged???
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
