she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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