just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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