There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
