Betty ford says i'm here all night
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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