Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize