The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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