im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
There's even glitter on my cock...
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