Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
