I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
