I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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