I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
