And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
