boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
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How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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