Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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