Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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