she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
