How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My cat gives me a boner
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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