gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need to calm my uterus...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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