So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
