She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
