I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
